i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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