She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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