He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Randomize
