Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
