I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
