I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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