my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize