Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
