an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
