She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
