I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
