She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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