The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
