So drunk its hurt
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
