there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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