i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
