I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
