His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
