Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
