But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
