I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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