There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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