I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
