I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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