i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
