Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
is wine microwaveable?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
