i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
