When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize