just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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