How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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