well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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