please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
