and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We have so much sex to catch up on
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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