Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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