youre lurking in front of me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Im part way to drunk.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
