Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
