He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
