saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
