She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
