How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
