I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize