hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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