The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
