My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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