You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
