I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
