I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
