When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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