Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
