Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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