Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
