Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
