your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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