we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
