i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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