I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
