I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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