Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
